I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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