If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
