I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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