Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
