bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
