You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
