I am spending my child support on dildos
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
