So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
