Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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