Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
