she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
