I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
