this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
