My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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