there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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