im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
