It was confusing and full of hummus
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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