You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
