I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
