just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
