my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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