I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
