I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
