Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
