You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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