someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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