Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
