Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
