That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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