I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
