dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
