hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
