Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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