I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
