Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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