I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
