I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I smell like Dick and happiness
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
