yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need to sanitize my soul.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
