how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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