Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
