The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
