I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
