when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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