and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
