it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
