ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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