My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
