Your mouth is God's brothel.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
