I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
