He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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