I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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