hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
