I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
