I'm going to jail i love you
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
