Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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