A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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