Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
