OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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